Badly Worded Signs

Outside a jeweller's shop:
Ears pierced while you wait
Outside an electrical store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come in here!
Sign in a laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In a dress shop window:
Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit
Sign in a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
Outside a farm:
Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself
In the window of a dry cleaner's:
Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours
Road sign:
Turn right for the Fairy Glen. Beware of heavy lorries
At the zoo:
Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns give them to the keeper on duty.
In an office:
After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
On a church door:
'This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door.' (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)
Outside a furniture shop:
Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship
Sign in a German cafe:
Mothers, please wash your hans before eating
Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
In a grocery shop:
Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it
In a Chinese restaurant:
If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter
Outside a farm:
Cattle please close gate
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow
Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also
Sign on a farm gate:
Dogs found worrying will be shot
In a restaurant:
Customers who find our waiting staff rude should see the manager
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a smart shop:
No children aloud
Seen outside a travel agency:
Why don't you go away?
Notice in a pet shop:
Birds going cheep!
Outside a disco:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome
Sign in a picture shop:
Let us put you in the picture and frame you
In an electrical shop:
Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you
Sign at a garden fete:
Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate
In a cafe window:
Waitresses required for breakfast
Found in a butcher's shop:
These scales are accurate no two weighs about it
Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:
You can always count on us
Notice in restaurant:
Our cutlery is not medicine so please do not take it after meals
Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New York with three Santas
Seen at an American undertaker's:
Oscar's Funeral Parlour - where you'll always find a smile
Notice in a London park:
No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure parK
Seen in a Coventry Factory:
Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match
Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order
Sign in a chemist's shop:
We dispense with accuracy
Spotted in a garden centre:
Up these steps for the sunken garden
Sign on a newly painted bench:
Wet paint. Watch it or wear it
Seen in a watch shop:
Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands
Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged
Road sign:
Steeple Bumstead:

Left 3 miles
Right 3 miles
Straight ahead 3 miles
Sign outside pet shop:
No dogs allowed
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of
Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
Hot and cold running in all rooms
Notice in Keighley restaurant:
From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables
Seen outside a fire station:
Fire Station - No Smoking
Notice on Norfolk village shop:
Half-day closing all day Wednesday
Sign in London pizza parlour:
Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m.
Seen outside dancing academy:
Please mind the steps
Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car
Circus poster:
Biffo Brothers' Circus, featuring Marvo, the Strongest Man in the World. In town all weak
Sign outside a church in Hemel Hempstead:
The last world war. Where and when will it be fought? St. Margaret's, Hartford Street on Tuesday 22nd February at 7:00 p.m.
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor
Sign in a tea shop:
Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, 1.00
Spotted in a golf club:
Golfers please do not drink and drive
Seen in a college:
This week's lecture: Underwater Life by Peter Fish
Notice in hairdresser's window:
Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
Sign at the tennis club:
Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racquet
Spotted at the railway station:
Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again
Notice at the zoo:
Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Sign in office block:
Lift out of order. Please use elevator
Traffic sign:
Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left
Notice in church hall:
Electrical specialist will be here on Thursday morning to show parishioners how to wire plugs and make small repairs. Followed by a light lunch
Sign spoted in farmyard:
Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
Sign in a Japanese hotel:
Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers
Sign in Swiss hotel:
Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank!
Sign in Italian hotel:
Do not adjust yor light hanger. If you wish more light see manager
Sign in Australian hotel:
In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter
Sign in French hotel:
In the event of fire the visitor, avoiding panic, is to walk down the corridor to warn the chambermaid
Sign outside a French cafe:
Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consuming
Sign in Egyptian hotel:
If you require room service, please open door and shout, `room service!'.
Sign in Portsmouth:
Patel Brothers Builders - You've tried the Cowboys, now try the Indians!
Sign outside Wessex Hall at Reading University:
"We sex all"