New English Teaching : An Idiot’s Guide
On one side we have the kids, chattering away in totally
incomprehensible jargon. On the other side we have the
inspectors, chattering away in totally incomprehensible jargon. On top of the NBA, we are already floundering just trying to
keep up with who is whom in the NGA: New Government Asses. To help you make chaos out of more
chaos, I have prepared this
GUIDE:
Part 1: Appreciation of Culture: The most important culture you have to know is the
youth culture; otherwise you are out of it and miss the point of what your
pupils are saying. You have to appreciate how hard it is for them growing up
today: Here are a few examples:
Eminem: He sings. A
nice boy. A wonderful son. Look how he helps his mother with the
Pesach cleaning! He brushed so
hard, the dust flew into her eyes!
( Song goes like this: I’m
sorry Mama, I didn’t meant to make you cry, but I’m cleaning out my closet!)
Ketamine: The drug of choice with
Module 2 pupils. A substance used by vets to treat horses. Now a popular drug; it’s side effects
aren’t even known yet. In the 60’s
‘horse’ was user’s slang for heroin, but when today’s kid’s say ‘horse’ they
mean Ol’ Stewball
himself! A whole group of
my Intermediate Level, Stage 2 boys got hooked , or shall I say, reined in,
this winter. Their project work
was shot to hell, but they took first place in the derby.
TATU: Two girls who came on Aliah on the ‘Na’aleh’ program, but
were sent back to Moscow. A common
story: Lonely adolescent girls,
intimate dormitory conditions,
inadequate enforcement of regulations. . .What happened to them is much more prevalent than people
realize, for few are willing to expose themselves to the shame and
ridicule. Yes, they have ‘kinnim,’
and were tossed off the program and out of Israel. Once back home, they celebrated their brief stay on
Kibbutz with a pop song called “ Running through my Head.” (It goes like this: “All those things,” she said, “running
through my head running thru my head all those things are dead, Have I lost my
Careline?”) Note: This article
does not affirm or deny whether they are
licebians.
Part 2
An Idiot’s Guide to NEW(Bagrut)SPEAK
NBA = New Bagrut Assessment
FIFA = Farfetched If
not Fanciful Assessment
GOB = Graded Old Bagrut
FL = Foundation level
PL = Proficiency Level
WTCLBFPL Whatever They Call The Level
Between Foundation Level and
Proficiency Level
FAE = Foundation and Empire; a
book by Isaac Asimov
ASS = The part of
the horse that ketamine is injected into.
Addictive Stallion Syndrome.
Module Six = The Most! As in ‘You’re lending me your
sister’s project? That’s so Module
Six of you!.’
What
the Words in Bulletin 1 mean referring to what’s on the New Bagrut Exams:
AIW = Reading Comprehension (Unseen) i.e.
Access to Info from Written Texts
AIS = Listening Comprehension (‘Unheard’??)
i.e. Access to Info from Spoken Texts
AIQM = Bugging; Access to Info
through Questionable Means
P = Writing Activity i.e. Presentation
PP =
What pupils had to hold in for 3 hours while they wrote the Graded Old Bagrut
PPP = Peepee Plus; What pupils with time extensions had to
hold in for 3 hours and 45 minutes on the GOB; maybe they needed time
extension but they ended up with bladder distension. No wonder they now have Special Needs!
WCTJSWTM? Why can’t they just say what they mean?
APPRECIATION
OF LANGUAGE: The past perfect
progressive
APPRECIATION
OF CULTURE: Mr
Know it All
FOUNDATION
LEVEL= PAMELA ANDERSON
PERFORMANCE TASK= A Herculean undertaking, before the advent of Viagra. (See Foundation Level, above)
POWER POINT = ditto . .
.After the advent of viagra.
Social
Interaction
= ditto ditto . . . During ditto ditto ditto.
FAQ
(expletive, vulgar) to wear somebody down by asking the same questions again
and again: E.g.: Bush: Where are
the gas warheads?
Saddam: Don’t
FAQ with me!
B = Bagrut
BB = Finance Minister
Access to
Information
= Copying the answers
Irgun
Hamordim a group of irreverent,
disrespectful, anti- education individuals who are eroding the Standards set by
the Inspectorate.
PIE = Projects in English ( a
site on ETNI)
PIF = Projects in Finish ( Not
to be confused with Projects to Finnish!)
PIFFLE = Projects in Finish for
Fins Learning English
POPOOHPIE = A site of Projects about A. A. Milne and the Telletubbies.
Teachers’
AIDS = A
disease transmitted by careless
Social Interaction and ignorance of guidelines.
MEATPIE =
Methodologically Educational Assessment Tools for Projects in English
BIE = Projects in English; (a site on Etni for the Arab sector)
Part 3:
FUQS AND MUCH’A’FUQ’S:
(Frequently UnAsked Questions
AND
Multiple Choice Answers
to Frequently UnAsked Questions)
1 Q What will no
longer appear in the new format?
Choose 3 correct answers.
A
a) cloze type exercises.
b) musical hamburgers(The Meat with The
Beat)
b) the
slightest trace of foresight or wisdom
c)
the woolly mammoth
d) answers
in Hebrew/Arabic
f) Yossi Sarid
2 Q When will these changes begin?
A a) Modularity will begin for pupils in the
tenth grade this year only for tenth grade pupils taking Module A . (Summer 2003)
b) As
soon as the people behind all this are released from the sanatorium and allowed
to resume their lives.
c)
Right Now:
Ping! Move
it! Move it!
If you answered ‘b’ or ‘c’ then proceed to question 3.
Q Hey! Just a
minute, there! I read this same question and answer ‘a’ in the first
Bulletin, page 24, and drew the
conclusion –obvioso- that it excluded ‘native’ speakers. Now you’re saying our Natives, who are
not doing module A, have to be
assessed by the new format.
A Yes, that is
an oversight. Hee hee. Just because it’s in the Inspector’s
bulletin doesn’t make it official, does it? Anyway, we can
do whatever we want. NYA NYA NYA
(Acronym for New Yomranut Assessment).
3 Q: What happens to future pupils who become rocket scientists and happen to be on the moon on the day of the Bagrut?
A a) As rocket scientists, they will have no
difficulty understanding the new
terminology.
b) They will be provided with a lunar module.
c) All of this above. Way
above.
4 Q Can you give us any information about the narrative passage slated for Module F?
A
Sure. Here’s two hints:
a) Little- Read
Readinghood;
b) The Little-read Hen
6 Q What is the rationale for including a narrative in the Module F written exam?
A a)
so there will be at least one part of the exam with a happy end.
b)
none of the other modules would accept it.
c) We do not use the words ‘New Bagrut’ and ‘rational’ in the same sentence. Like, Why does question 6 come before 5, eh?
5 Q Why is this New Format different from
all other formats?
A:
On all other formats, we could answer in our native tongue and
answer English, but tonight, we
eat only Matzot.
7 Q If a hearing-impaired pupil is exempt from the Listening Passages, what do you do for a blind pupil?
A a) You exempt him from the unseen
passages.
b)
You provide him with an extra unseen passage. It’s not going to get seen anyway.
c)
You give him a job proctoring the New Bagrut Assessment.
8 Q I have several yud- betters this year who are olfactorily challenged.
A What does that mean?
Q They don’t
smell.
A Count
your blessings. So what’s the
question?
Q Will they get a
time increment for the nasal passages?
A That joke
stinks.
Q That’s funny,
nobody ever mentioned it before.
9 Q How much is the implementation of all these changes going to cost anyway?
A I’m sorry, but
you’re not authorized to access that information.
10 Q Which modules, for G-d’s sake, will be offered next year? (Summer, 2004)? . . . Nu!??
A Umm. This issue is presently under discussion. There will be an announcement at the forthcoming ETAI conference which will then be completely contradicted by the forthcoming Directory-General’s Bulletin.
You will definitely receive an answer by the forthcoming Winter, 2005.
Q Thank you for
being so forthcoming.
Note: The following questions have been raised by teachers participating in the NBA courses.
10 Q Hey, bruddas whass happnin? Man! How come you all is so short?
A You have the
wrong practice session. These are
NBA English teachers, not NBA
basketballers.
Q Haven’t you done gots taaard ob dat old joke yet?
11 Q Why is there
no coffee here? In Mahar 98, we
got coffee and a free meal and paid hours and a take- home
laptop!!
A That was ‘Mahar’.
But ‘Mahar’ is
‘Etmol.’ ‘Etmol’ is
‘Shilshom’. The future is today!
Q If I can understand that, I can understand the New Bagrut.
BARRY SILVERBERG, KIRIAT SHMONA, MARCH 7, 2003